Last week we talked about Depression = ANGER. This week another face of depression presents itself. Depression = SNEAKY SNAKE.
Right now, as I sit here at my computer I am experiencing a more insidious form of depression…….the sneaky snake form. It’s more insidious because I don’t see it coming, it is so sly. I can be feeling really pretty good, then I’ll notice that things are beginning to irritate me a little. Nothing serious, only a couple coat hangers entangled, nothing to fuss about.
I move on to my next task…..a little slowly and without much of a sense of purpose. I walk past an end table that is stacked with magazines. The whole stack topples over. Now, this is equal to about 10 coat hangers entangled and I get irritated. But, I tell myself, “You clumsy oaf, if you had cleared off the end table, the stack wouldn’t be there and you wouldn’t have been able to brush against it and knock it over.” But you hadn’t cleared, and it was there, and you did knock it. And now you have to stop what you were going to do (what was it?) and stoop over and pick them up and restack them on the same end table again. Geez!!! And in the middle of restacking them, the big ones on top slip off again because of the small ones on the bottom. 15 coat hangers. So….get them balanced and carefully walk away.
Sort the magazines and toss the old ones and keep only the new unread ones??? Never enters my mind.
I want to write to my girlfriend back in Ohio. So I sit down at my computer and start an email and address it to her. Then I look at the big, empty, white screen, and think, “Gee, there’s so much to tell her….about my stroke, about my diet, about my losing weight, about my feeling a lot better. But today I don’t feel a lot better, I feel only a little better. The effort of starting to write is more than I can do today. I close the email. I’ll write to her tomorrow. Feel a little glum because I’ve been wanting to write to her for weeks. Tomorrow is okay.
I want to make a coat for my little Toto2, because even in this mild climate, he shivers so badly when we’re outside. Today I get as far as finding an old sweater to use, I see it’s dirty, I put it in the wash. Oh good, a legitimate reason to not make the coat…..again.
I want to draw something….anything. I love to draw. What will I draw? Can’t think of anything. Oh, well, tomorrow maybe, my creativity will come alive. I think I’ll take a nap. When I nap, I don’t think about what I should be doing or what all I have to get done.
This is depression in its Sneaky Snake form. It sneaks up on you and when you’re not looking, it prevents you from doing even little tasks or enjoying little fun events, or even creating your own little fun event. You don’t feel particularly bad, you just can’t do anything.
How do I battle this Sneaky Snake? Sometimes I take that nap. That’s the easiest thing to do. And in all fairness, when I wake up, if it was only a Sneaky Garter Snake instead of a python, I really do get up feeling better. In fact, sleeping is my favorite method of battle. I guess the snake gets bored with my sleeping and leaves.
Sometimes, if I’m really lucky, a stray idea will work it’s way through the webs in my head and I’ll think of something to do. That’s always a great relief. Usually, the webs are too thick to plow through and I can’t even think of anything to do, much less get up and do it.
So, today, I sat down, tried to write to my girlfriend. Closed the email again and decided to write to you all instead.
This is not a serious depression…..I’m not irritated or angry…. I’m just unable to be productive. Maybe writing this while I’m experiencing a “Sneaky” depression period, will provide a pathway for me to clamber through the webs. And if I can remember to do it another time, maybe it will help then too. It’s worth a try.
Any suggestions?
p.s. I actually do like snakes.
Puget4, your descriptions of the everyday struggles of depression are a real comfort to me. Other firsthand accounts talk of crying jags and suicide attempts, but you focus on irritability and frustration, inertia and anger, and that is what paralyzes me the most when I am depressed. I just can’t do anything. I don’t want to do anything. I feel guilty because I think that I SHOULD want to do something, but I don’t. That’s why it is so insidious. You feel yourself changing, and maybe you don’t recognize it as depression, so you label yourself a bitch, or a control freak, or lazy, or weak or stupid.
You are so right about sleeping. When I am sleeping I don’t have to think about the activities I am missing out on, or the way my life is passing me by. I almost forget how I am an observer; sitting on the sidelines while everyone else lives their lives.
I feel so maginalized sometimes; like all around me people are living productive, satisfying lives filled with friends and activities, and I am just unable to join in.
I don’t have any suggestions for you other than being aware that depression is sneaky and tends to come back when you least expect it. Forcing yourself to participate in things you used to enjoy is good too, at least until you reach that point when even that seems impossible.
Hey Puget4-I wish I had some good suggestions or some great tip that could help, but I don’t..just wanted to let you know I’ve read what you wrote and maybe just you writing helped somehow…write away if you feel the urge to.
I do know what you mean though about the energy level/mind set as with this neuro disease of mine my body gets sapped of energy very very fast. I’ve had to learn the hard way(from overdoing it so as not to feel lazy)that I have to rest after doing sometimes simple things or put off until the next day when I just ‘can’t’ do what I want to do…and not feel guilty-and that is a lot easier said than done that’s for sure..are women just born feeling guilty?
This is the kind of depression that usually happens to me. It is sneaky. Sometimes if I can distract myself it helps. I do something that I normally don’t do because I know there are lots of things I SHOULD be doing. This is going to sound weird, but I am much less depressed when I avoid reading women’s magazines. I think there is less of the “I SHOULD” be this way and I’m not, kind of thinking.
My suggestion, for what it’s worth, if you do not want to talk to a pro, and medication is out of the question, is that you focus more on something that you want to do and might enjoy.
So unless untangling coathangers and wrestling with magazine stacks are high on that list, “give yourself permission” to “fugeddaboutit.”
Let the coathangers stay tangled, let the magazines teeter, even fall, and you concentrate on what would really be more likely to make Puget smile.
Whether that is a walk in the park with a pet, lunch with an old friend, window shopping, or just renting all 20 squillion disks of “Sex in the City” or your preferred mindless entertainment and having your own private home pajama marathon viewing session, it doesn’t matter WHAT the activitiy is, so long as it is something that you really would LIKE to do, not something that you think that you SHOULD do, or should have done last week.
Just let those thoughts go. You have only one “should” and that is to do something nice for yourself that will make you feel good.
Embrace self indulgence. Do not worry about ruining your character. It is already formed and self indulgence cannot ruin it.
The Sneaky Snake, however, can bite it hard and make you think it is ruined. So you must vanquish the Sneaky Snake, and the best way to do that is by doing things that make you happy. That infuriates the Snake and slowly he wil slink away.
Puget4, I know that snake! He loves inertia (‘a body at rest tends to stay at rest; a body in motion tends to stay in motion’… and the little known ‘a body depressed tends to wallow in it’)When the depression creeps over me, it’s tinged with anxious moments. I struggle with a tattered self image. That prevents me from taking that first step to break the inertia cycle. I never get angry, just sad… and anxious.
For me, the absolute best way to fight the snake is to involve myself in a project. Cleaning out a closet will sometimes work, but the best projects involve things that I love… plan a vacation, draw a political cartoon, draw up plans for a new shed, grab the camera and go for a long walk.
But the hardest thing is to overcome that inertia that traps us in the depressed state. That damned first step is the killer.
I hope that you are feeling better today.
(((Puget4)))
Hi Puget,
My bouts of depression have always been of the sneaky snake variety. The first time I recognized it as serious depression, actually my husband recognized it and finally urged me to seek help. Didn’t find a good counselor, but some meds that did help for a bit. I had let myself get very deep into that dark hole of despair… waking up crying, doing nothing. Luckily, I have not had it that badly since.
I can recognize the symptoms in myself now when I am sliding back to being irritiable, lazy, apathetic… There have only been a few times, but here’s what I’ve done for myself. I get out in the sunshine, which is harder in the winter, but still possible. I’ll go talk my dog Jasper on a walk or for a stroll through the woods, even if I don’t really feel like it, I know she likes to go to different places for her exercise… when I remember, I bring my camera and take some pics too. I try to move. Sometimes I do yoga tapes. One of the most important things I’ve done, honestly, is start a blog where I just write whatever is in my head. I find that getting my thoughts out of my head and onto ‘paper’ helps… I sort of let it go and unburden myself of everything in my head, good, bad, ugly, beautiful… Then it’s still there to re-read again if I want to, particularly when I am processing some emotions or some situation in my life. And thankfully, I haven’t felt like that in a while. Now anxiety, that’s another story…
Sorry for being so long. My best wishes go out to you Puget. Hugs to you.
Thank you all for your wonderful supportive comments. And I send support right back at you. I love your idea, Sherm, of getting outside and it does help….IF….I can get myself out. It’l like Nag said, “That damned first step is the killer.”
I’ve been feeling better than I did on Sunday.
How are you feeling now, LauraM? You said, “You feel yourself changing, and maybe you don’t recognize it as depression, so you label yourself a bitch, or a control freak, or lazy, or weak or stupid.” PLEASE don’t do that to yourself. You KNOW none of those labels are correct. This is the time….when you feel that way….to go to your husband and level with him. Tell him exactly what you said here. Tell him you need his help. And if he’s not around, tell us here. WE’LL tell you it isn’t so. The truth is, if you WERE “a bitch, or a control freak, or lazy, or weak or stupid” you would not recognize those labels as being you. So, you’re proving to yourself your not any of those. I don’t know if that helps but I hope so.
Chocolate Ink, you asked, “are women just born feeling guilty?” There may be something akin to that going on. Throughout history, women have been the gathers of food, the nurturers, the help-mates, the supporters, the healers, the everything that keeps a healthy society going. If something happens to us that we can’t do that job at 100%, then we feel guilty.
And Duct, when I indulge myself, I sleep…..long and hard. It often helps though.
Again, thank you all. We’re here to help each other.
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Puget I hear you loud and clear. I’ve had a year where I’ve woken up most days exhausted and fallen back into bed at the end of the day double exhausted. My job prevents me from suffering total intertia. It’s demanding, so I can get away from myself and into it much of the time. But it’s the down time, the home time, the me time that is the struggle to put to good use. I have found, however, that I can force that creativity to come through setting external goals, in the form of entertaining. I plan a celebration for a holiday or a birthday, and for the weeks preceding it I focus on what to cook, how to serve, what do I need in my home to make it special. And no, I do not have unlimited funds so these are not lavish events, and yes sometimes I have to make ends meet even harder than usual to do them…but I find it works for the depression. I put so much effort towards doing these things that they do turn out well, people have a nice time, then complement me on my abilities. It’s a shot in the arm. It helps. Try it?
Hi em. I’ve sent a message to Puget letting her know about your comment. I haven’t seen her around lately, but she does drop in now and then.
Hello Em and Katiebird and All.
Em you have a wonderful approach to getting through the depression doldrums. I wish I lived nearby. I’d love all the party goodies, but then I have this crazy diet I’m still on….to lower cholesterol….but that’s another story.
I’m happy to report that since I wrote the diary on depression, I started taking QiGong (pronounced chi-gung) lessons locally. I have a wonderful teacher and have been studying almost non-stop for over a year now. Here is his
website
I have learned immensely useful techniques to remove stress and to keep calm and “centered”. QiGong is almost a meditation but not quite, it makes use of calling energy from the earth and directing it to parts of the body that need help.
I know that probably sounds wacky to most of you, but it really works. Perhaps the meditative portion is what everyone can relate to.
I’ve been able to reduce the amount of prozac I take daily and I’m doing really well. Gooserock also is very happy with the progress. We’re back to being relaxed best buddies again. And when I feel the old “sneaky-nasty” poking its ugly head around a corner, I do my relaxation techniques and my QiGong for a few minutes and, Voila! it goes away.
Also, I retired last January and that didn’t hury any either. LOL
Hi Puget, I’m so glad things are going well for you. The QiGong doesn’t sound wacky — I’d like to hear more about it. Say ‘Hi’ to Gooserock for me, I see him sometimes at the Big Orange Site…..